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Memoirs of a Lunatic

The title almost says it all. I'm a little insane, like all folks, and I'm just putting down what I think about. Maybe some of it is funny, maybe some of it isn't. Just come read and find out for yourself.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Apple's New iMac G5

Okay, this is just getting insane. Someone needs to tell the good people at Apple to stop. They just CAN'T continue to hold the monopoly on really cool looking computers.

This... a nice looking computer.

If only Apple could make FAST, AFFORDABLE computers, the world would be a prettier place.

Sneak Peek:
Tomorrow, I will tell you my full impression of Ah-Nold's speech that I am listening to right now. (hint: I am impressed.)


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Monday, August 30, 2004

Don't Slap it...

One my four computers is broken. Guess I need to GAP i.t. "Don't slap it, call GAP i.t.!" as my friend Mark has been known to say.

Of course it is the best one of the bunch. Stupid power supply burnt out. It smelled funny for about a week, then *poof* it wouldn't boot up anymore. There is still an electrical smell, but it is strictly from the power supply, no where else, so I guess that I can deal with that. Right now, I have my 550 mHz, 64 whopping megs of RAM, Windows ME running laptop subbing in, all hooked up trying to be cool.

Its like a little girl playing dress up.

Sure, I can see the screen on my monitor and use my keyboard and mouse as normal, but the oomph just isn't there. It looks like a new power supply will run about $24.00 at Pyrinex, and tomorrow is payday, so I'm hoping to get back in the saddle here pretty soon.



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Sunday, August 29, 2004

College Football has Begun!

Went to my brother-in-law Gerrad's house last night to watch USC-Va Tech on the big screen. His wife made this mexican dip stuff that you can use in tacos, eat with chips, or eat with a fork. (I did the second and third.) It has beef, cheese, beans, and love all baked right in. Excellent stuff.

Anywho, USC won (boo), but it was a close game. Reggie Bush from USC was excellent.

Reggie Bush breaks a tackle to score his first touchdown.

But aside from the great game, watching USC got my ire up about something else... Mike Williams.

For those who don't know, Mike Williams is (was) a receiver for USC. After Maurice Clarett got the draft rules overturned, Mike Williams got an agent and declared for the draft. When the draft rules were re-instated, Williams dropped his agent and went back to USC, enrolled, and applied for re-instatement to the NCAA.

But, those jerkys at the NCAA have denied his request, and now Williams has to sit for the entire season. That is such bull pucky. The NCAA could have shown that they weren't such butt munches by re-instating him, since he documented giving back everything that he took while preparing for the draft, but NO. A similar thing happened to Ohio State receiver Joey Galloway, but with a different outcome. Galloway declared for the draft, took an agent, then decided to back out. He gave all the money and goods back and went back to class and he WAS allowed to play another year.

I've often thought that the NCAA is inconsistent and heartless (don't get me started about the Olympic skier from Colorado). They punish people without regard to prior precident. This happens with violations, eligibility, anything. In my opinion, I think college athletics would be better off with a revamped and overhauled NCAA at the helm.


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Saturday, August 28, 2004

I live this...

Some funny definitions:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's up.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. (Molly... Hello?)

404: Someone who's clueless (from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located).

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust! (leads to'PRAIRIE DOGGING'.)


At 8/27/2004 11:35 PM, Blogger Pickaboo said...

ASSMOSIS: Pretty cool definition. I like it. There r a lot of asskissers in my office practicing assmosis.


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Friday, August 27, 2004

Viva la Rush!

The Steelers beat the Eagles last night 27-21 in preseason action. The huge story coming in to the game was Duce Staley, a fan favorite in Philly, returning there to play his former team for the first time.

Duce finished with 37 yards on limited action and 1 TD. He was mostly featured on the first drive where he had 33 yards on 6 carries and capped off the drive with a TD. Every time that he touched the ball, he still heard the familiar cries of "DUUUUUUUCCCCCCCEEEEEEE!". After he scored, he ran and gave the ball to a fan in the stands. In Philly. A Philly Fan in the Philly stands. He is a Steeler. See what I'm getting at?

I'm glad that he left the city still well loved and it is no secret that he would have remained an Eagle if the club had made a semi-serious attempt at retaining him, but COME ON! Oh well, bygones will be bygones. As long as he runs well for us, I'm a fan.

The Duce is Loose! (corny, I know)

Another very promising sign was that some guy named Willie Parker ran for 106 yards and 1 TD. Who is Willie Parker? I know the line... he is an undrafted free agent from North Carolina, but, "Who is Willie Parker?"

Know what? I don't care. It doesn't matter. What matters is that we are starting to look deep at running back with Staley, the Bus, and Parker. After finishing 31st in rushing last year as a team, I relish the fact that we might be back among the running elite. Pittsburgh IS a rushing team. That crap last year is why we finished 7-9.

Tommy Maddox was successful in 2002 because we WERE a running team. He just made the clutch throws when he had to. Then, they decided in 2003 that we were gonna pass all the time. I just have two things to say about that ... 7-9, 31st in rushing. Coincidence? I think not.

Viva la Duce, Viva la Bus, Viva la Parker, and Viva la RUSH!


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Thursday, August 26, 2004

Dag, I'm Busy!

I have some serious deadlines dogging me at work. I am going to be killing myself at work and at home for the next 11 days. I hope that I can step up to the challenge. I'm sure that I can. In lieu of a proper post today, I'll leave you with a top ten list.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!


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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Mark is Insane

Just go check out his blog.

Specifically, this post.


At 8/25/2004 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This guy sounds like me!!!!!!

If....ya know what I mean!!!!


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Ellen... "Oh, God!"

I don't want to be misunderstood. Let's get this right out in the open now. I like Ellen. I thought she was/is funny. My only problem with her comedy was when her TV show, Ellen became a lesbian comedy, instead of a comedy starring a lesbian. I liked her work on Open House, thought she was great in Finding Nemo, and I will probably like her in her upcoming movie, Oh, God!, a remake of the George Burns movie from 1977.

But, that isn't to say that I won't be somewhat outraged by the selection of a GAY WOMAN to play God. Why are people so irreverent? Jerry Weintraub, who also made the first movie, said, "Ellen is a strong comedienne and she has always done material about God and questions about God" and "She will help us with the writing, and using her will allow us to do a proper 2005 view of 'Oh God!' that is hip and modern."

I know that people who don't believe the Bible, or people who like to pick and choose out of it will have no problem with it. Maybe they are the ones with the "Goddess Bless" bumper stickers. Look, I don't have a problem with the idea of a female deity (it just isn't so) AND I don't believe God is a male, or a female. The Bible says that we will be similar to angels in heaven and not really have a sex either. (But, that is the end of the similarity. We aren't getting wings. People are People. Angels are Angels. Never the twain shall meet. I feel better.) We do need to recognize, though, that God revealed himself using masculine terms. He came to the Earth in a male body.

I am not a puritanical jacka**, I will probably see the movie, I will probably laugh. My whole point is, "Why is Hollywood so antagonistic to Christian views?" Everything a major studio does seems to be out to spit in our faces, including casting a lesbian as God.


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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

On the Air

One week ago today, my business partner Gerrad and I went and recorded a fifteen minute interview for Radio Active Magazine on WRFD, the radio station that we advertise on.

I thought that while we were doing it that it was going poorly. I thought that I paused for too long during my answers or just plain didn't make sense. When we listened to it on Sunday at 1:45, I was actually pleased.

Neither of us paused for too long, or rambled. Just in the moment, every second, or part of a second, seemed so long. But, once we were safely at home and could hear for ourselves, everything was just fine. Good for us.

In case you forgot, here is a link to our business, GAP i.t. Solutions.

And, as a special treat, here are our two commercials. The first one gives our web address incorrectly. This has been fixed in the version that airs.

First one.

Second one.


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Monday, August 23, 2004

The Most Fair Assessment of Ohio State's Season That I've Seen


As insane as this might sound, Jim Tressel and his coaching staff might have done an even better job in 2003 than they did in the national title winning season of 2002. Think about what the Buckeyes had to go through on the way to an 11-2 season that culminated with a second straight Fiesta Bowl win; 1) the Maurice Clarett fiasco. 2) The offense sputtering and coughing all year long. 3) Quarterback issues. 4) The bull's-eye squarely on their back getting everyone's best punch and finally, 5) more close wins than any team should be entitled to.

How many close shaves can one team take? The Buckeyes won six games last year by a touchdown or less and 13 over the last two years. Argue all you want about how good teams find a way to win; you need a few lucky bounces to pull that many wins off.

On the flip side, the Buckeye haters of the world are licking their chops at the hope for the karma gods to swing fate the other way. Experienced teams loaded with veterans win close games; teams with plenty of new starters, even talented ones, tend to have issues when things get tight. While this year's team is as talented as any in the Big Ten, it has to prove it can match the heart that the last two teams had. That'll only be found out as the season goes on.

OSU will count on one of the best linebacking corps in the country, a good secondary and a decent backfield. There are too many glaring question marks to hope for a second national title in three seasons, but there's no reason not to expect a good run in the BCS race. If the coaching staff could get through last year and keep the ship on course, a few lost players won't going to be hard to get over.

The Schedule: This is the type of schedule a great team can win the Big Ten with, but road games at Iowa, Michigan State and Purdue could be landmines in the hunt for a national title. It'll be a bit of a shock if OSU isn't favored in all eleven games getting Michigan, Wisconsin and Penn State at home. The non-conference slate has some nice tests led by a road trip to NC State.

Best Offensive Player: Sophomore WR Santonio Holmes. A spark of life in the offense late in the season, Holmes was tremendous in the final two games catching eight passes for 121 yards and two touchdowns against Michigan before making his two grabs count against Kansas State scoring twice. If QB Justin Zwick becomes a player, Holmes will grow into a superstar.

Best Defensive Player: Junior LB A.J. Hawk. He's a do-it-all linebacker equally strong against the run and pass. The team's leading tackler last year and will be the leader of a fantastic linebacking corps this season.

Key player to a successful season: The Buckeyes were 93rd in the nation in total offense looking downright painful at times. It'll be up to QB Justin Zwick to add more pop to the offense needing to be sharp from the moment he gets the first snap against Cincinnati. More importantly, he has to prove he can be the same winner that Craig Krenzel was.

The season will be a success if ... OSU wins the Big Ten title. A national championship is was too much to ask for, but a second Big Ten title in three years would be an outstanding feat with so many new starter. It would prove that this program can reload with the best of them.

Key game: October 16 at Iowa. The Michigan game is always the biggest of the season, but the Iowa game will be the biggest early test. Iowa City has been nearly impossible to come out of with a win lately. A win here would send, or keep, OSU on a big winning streak with Indiana and Penn State at home over the following two games.

2003 Fun Stats:
- First quarter scoring: Ohio State 99 - Opponents 41
- Fourth quarter scoring: Opponents 93 - Ohio State 63
- Average yards per rush: Ohio State 3.3 - Opponents 2.0
- Fourth down conversions: Ohio State 8 of 11 (73%) - Opponents 8 of 15 (40%)


At 8/24/2004 12:10 PM, Blogger Drifter said...

Go Bucks!!!!


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Sunday, August 22, 2004

I can't believe I scored as a hater

Red. You are one dangerous mf. Try not to hate so

What Terror Alert Level Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


At 8/22/2004 7:10 PM, Blogger ghraper said...

I'm Orange.
Who knew?


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One of my favorite Bush ads is absolutely TRUE!!! is a non-partisan group that finds out the truth from every political commercial for this campaign. When the latest "Attack Kerry" ad came out, Kerry stated that it used fuzzy math and was patently false. This account proves that it is actually true.

The ad is the one where Bush accuses Kerry of not being in 76% of the Senate Intelligence meetings, among other things. I thought that the ad was particularly strong, since Kerry is touting his record on that committee as proof that he has qualifications for the job.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, this story was broken to me by the good folks at the Official Right Wing Conspiracy.


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Happiness is.... ESPN the Magazine

For Christmas 2003, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law got me a GREAT present, a subscription to ESPN, the Magazine. Since the subscription hadn't started yet, they went out and bought me a bunch of back issues so that I would have something to open on Christmas morning.

Total Bliss.

I read through all of those magazines as quickly as I could, and now I eagerly await each issue. Here is my latest:

The articles are so great and interesting that I want to sequester myself and read it all at once, but I can't. Like a great piece of cheesecake, I have to pace myself, and read it slowly. I savor every article. It is one of my true joys in life.

If you can, go here and subscribe. I don't get anything from it, except the joy of knowing that I have brought you joy, dear reader. Go toward the light.


At 12/25/2004 9:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a big fan of the magazine, too.


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Strange But True - How I Know I'm Sleepy

Since I am just up here baring my soul for all, I think that I should share this with you.

I don't sleep much. I regularly stay up past midnight and rise before 6 am. Sleep wastes time and I can sleep when I am dead. But, when I absolutely MUST go to sleep, my body tells me.

How, you might ask? By making my toes annoying. Sometimes my fingers, too, but mostly my toes. I can't explain the feeling. But it is annoying. Usually I have to flex them quickly just to stand it long enough to get in to bed.

Just thought you should know.


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Saturday, August 21, 2004

Problems With Reality

Now, I can't tell if I'm mental or not. Mental people often have a hard time figuring that one out. Maybe the fact that I am questioning whether or not I am mental would make me lean more toward "not mental", but you can decide for yourself.

Whenever a bad situation arises, I almost never deal with it "in the moment". I know that I believe God's Word in Romans 8:28, when He says that in the ultimate end, everything will be all good, but I feel detached from my circumstances sometimes. Let me explain.

A few years ago, my grandmother died. I knew she was dying, I got the call when she died, but it doesn't feel like she's dead. In that instance, though, there was no funeral, so I chalked it up to that.

But this year, my mother-in-law passed away. There was a funeral. I delivered a eulogy. But, I still don't feel like she's dead. Just away. (I know in the Christian sense, she is just away, but that isn't what I mean.)

Right now, my son is having some issues. I know that it isn't normal, but I just assume that it will be okay. I'm not worried with hysterics. My wife is. She assumes that I don't care about Luke because I am not worked up about it.

Things at work, things in my personal life, I don't ever get crazy worried about them. Sometimes, I feel like I should be getting worked up, so I will repeat things that I feel that someone who is worried would say. But, often I am not feeling it.

The only time that I get any sense of the situation that I am in is if I can project 50 years out and what is going on will still hold true. For instance, my grandmother and mother-in-law will still be dead. We have to live without them for the rest of our lives. That is sobering. I will still be someones dad until I die. If something is wrong with my son right now, we will have to deal with that until we die.

Is that a bad perspective? I feel like God will take care of things that are going on if we just keep at life. People deal with problems all the time. People live in horrible conditions, but keep pressing on day in and day out. They are looking forward to Heaven, when this life will be seen with perfect clairity.

That is what I am trying to do. See my everyday life with God's clairity. With a "God" perspective. Through a Divine Viewpoint. When I try to do that, I don't have a lot of worry.

Maybe that doesn't make me crazy after all.


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Friday, August 20, 2004

One Dollar and Twenty-Five Cents


Do you know what that represents?
     All the money that my daughter had.

Do you know what she wanted to do with it?
     Give it to me.

Here is why.

When I got home from work tonight pretty late, my wife suggested that I drive to McDonalds and get some food for all of us. They had had a late dinner at HTB and were just getting hungry. When I arrived home, my children were just getting out of the shower and I helped them get dried off and dressed.

It was finally time for me to go, and I was ready to bolt, make the popular food-for-cash exchange, and get back home. I would be gone for about five minutes, tops. My oldest daughter, Emily, asked to go with me. I told her "No" and that I would be right back. It was then that she offered me $1.25 to take her with me.

Isn't that precious? I, of course, told her that she could go and that I would not take her money. I just wanted to run out quickly, but if she really wanted to ride along, she could.

We made the round trip and brought our food back and ate it. After dinner, while watching "Air Bud", Emily slipped upstairs to her room. She returned a few moments later with the money and offered it to me again. I again refused, but thought that it was cute that she had remembered her offer.

I spend almost all of my non-work time at home playing with my daughters. I love to do everything with them. Even so, even with all of that time, they still value every second that they can spend with me.

Time spent with their parents is valuable to them. How valuable?

One dollar and twenty-five cents.

All the money in the world.


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Thursday, August 19, 2004

OSU Tickets and a Joke

My friend Chad has gotten his hands on some season tickets to the Ohio State Buckeyes for this season. Since I have never gone to a college football game, ever, let alone a Buckeye home game, he has promised me a pair for an upcoming game.

Another co-worker, Vince, hasn't been either, so I believe that it will be he and I at the game (Probably Marshall or Indiana). I am so geeked up about the upcoming season that I can hardly stand to be near myself.



And now the joke:

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and then the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever
you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!" The
woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that
women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I
will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM-- she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world, and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman
said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine." So, KAZAM--she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Women are clever. Don't mess with them!


At 8/20/2004 8:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are ye sure there is not someone else who ye should take to the game? Yes, I have put many people in thine life...but there is one that I would consider a divine appointment and in my perfect will for ye to take to the not reject my I am and forever shall be......Ye shall know this man by his love of the color of thine shirt....and his hatred of unclean Chinese buffet food...I have let it be let it be done..... -God

At 8/20/2004 11:55 AM, Blogger Guru said...

No, I think that that is def. Mark. No one else I know types with so many ...'s. For those of you not in the know, check out Mark's blog here.


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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Eastland Chinese Buffet

I went to a new Chinese Buffet yesterday. It had its grand opening on August 11th, one week ago today, so excitement was high.

It turns out that we were to be disappointed.

I didn't have as negative of a reaction as Mark did, but I shan't be returning for a followup visit. The food wasn't all that good for the money. Here's why...

They had a dish called "Honey Chicken", but it didn't taste like honey at all. It tasted like someone took an entire container of salt, congealed it in a gel, and spread it on the chicken. Not a good flavor. No one at the table could take a bite without making an extremely sour face.

The white rice and fried rice were average, at best, their iced tea tasted funny to everyone, and their sweet and sour chicken was the same as everyone else.

On a good note, their General Tso's Chicken had a really good flavor and they did stock Velvet Ice Cream for all to scoop themselves. (Though the water that the scoop sat in was starting to look funky)

I admire the fact that they seemed to be interested in breaking some new buffet ground, but let me offer some advice: Copy, copy, copy. Try to imitate all of the GREAT buffets. Incorporate your differences slowly, by having a "signature" dish. Don't overdo the originality all at once, especially if it SUCKS.

Look, if the Four Horsemen of Buffet Destruction weren't happy, you definitely need to retool.


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Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Pondering the Dual Commode

The Dual Commode:

(obviously, I know that this is Photoshopped!)

Two Things:

1. How cool would that be? You would be able to spend TOP QUALITY time with your spouse.

B. Two words. The. Smell.

You may know that I am a man who appreciates fine toilet humor. This picture is no exception. But, just as I was thinking that this really could be a great way to have two toilets in one small bathroom, an idea hit me. How bad would the smell be?

Supposedly, my poop stinks. My wife thinks so, my kids think so, random people passing by the house think so, but I am not really so sure. My wife's and my childrens', on the other hand, reeks. It is some of the worst smelling stuff on the planet. (There might be something to the expression, "Doesn't think that his poop stinks")

One's opinions on one's own feces aside, can you imagine the combined smell that would permeate throughout the house? It would be horrible to the average household resident. You are probably saying, "I know what it would smell like, public restrooms". And you would be wrong.

Public restrooms are extremely well ventilated. They know what would happen, so the engineers went to work designing a smell removal system to make sure that the pure mixing of several people's fecal gases did not occur.

The average home, as a contrast, are not as efficient at removing the smell. Especially if you are in an upstairs bathroom with no windows, the smell can soil the air quality of the entire floor. Or so I've been told. Hypothetically.

So, I toss it to you, faithful reader. What are your thoughts?


At 8/17/2004 9:10 AM, Blogger Drifter said...

I think you have too much free time to be thinking of this kinda stuff....very funny though....

At 8/18/2004 12:54 AM, Blogger ghraper said...

You could have friends over for a tournament.


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Monday, August 16, 2004


I used to love baseball. When I was in high school, I used to play for the school, play in pickup semi-games (3 on 3 and the like), and read whatever I could find on baseball as often as I could. I had a subscription to USA Today's Baseball Weekly, I got Baseball Digest, I used to read every box score in the newspaper. I watched every broadcast on TV. ESPN Sunday Night, ESPN Tuesday Night Doubleheader, ESPN Friday Night, Saturday Game of the Week, and every Braves, Cubs, or White Sox game on TBS or WGN. My two favorite baseball players were Andy VanSlyke of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Nolan Ryan, then of the Texas Rangers. I used to keep track of their stats and run hypothetical situations like, "If Andy hit .512 for the rest of the season, he would finish at .400", or "If Nolan pitches at least 6 innings in his last 4 starts and only gives up 1 run in each one, his ERA will drop below 3.00".

Got the picture?

Then the strike happened. I held out hope that the season would pick back up and that the World Series could be played. But, no dice. I hated the owners, I hated the greedy players, and I hated Donald Fehr, the Player's Union head. I dislike unions anyway (another post?), but this situation just had me livid. I swore that I would not be a "Baseball Fan" again. Not like before, anyway. It has been 10 years since that summer, and I have kept my promise. I have no subscriptions, do no baseball reading, and have no current favorite player. I followed the game a little during Mark McGwire's home run chase and again during Barry Bonds', but always just a check of SportsCenter or the paper.

My interests have moved on. I am a bigger football fan now. I am one of those people who can't watch a whole baseball game on TV anymore. But, I have started to realize something.

Last Sunday, I played catch in the back yard with some of my wife's young cousins. I really enjoyed that. I know that I like to play the game, that's why I play as much softball as I can, but playing with them reminded me of something else. I like to teach people how to play. Even in high school, as a catcher, I used to help pitchers with their game. I would show them how to throw a pitch, or offer suggestions on their mechanics. I viewed tens of "how-to" videos and studied the game and I felt that I had something to offer. I still do feel that way.

I really should consider getting involved with coaching a young baseball team. I need to make it a priority. I need to look in to it this spring. I don't know how hard up teams are for coaches, but I could help out as an assistant. Help run practice. That is my favorite part anyway. I know I can't wait to do it right now, but Youth Baseball season is far away.

I hope an off season of Professional Greediness doesn't sour me again.


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Sunday, August 15, 2004

Some Blogs That I Frequent



Ninja Love

Oranges are Cute, I am Not


Driftin' in Ohio

Sahil Malik's Blog

Touch Me, I'm Sick


The Official Right Wing Conspiracy

and finally...


P-Dawg does not condone or endorse the messages put forth in the above mentioned blogs. I just like them. Get over it.


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Saturday, August 14, 2004

Work Stories

For those of you who have not been with me since the beginning, or don't know me, check out this post to get a feel for the backstory on this. Go on. I'll wait.

You back? Good. I'll get started.

Man, how things can change in a few months. The VP of the "evil" department has moved on to another job within the organization and the Senior VP has made my VP in charge of the joint group. Now, where this "evil" department used to fight us on everything, they are now forced to aid us in everything we do. It is very nice. My VP has slowly fleeced the MIS Manager's team of its good people, only leaving the most inept team ever assembled. They even went and brought this idiot over from another team to complete the new trifecta. The "evil" department has also been reduced overall by about 50%. Most of them will get new jobs, but their current ones had to go. The old "evil" VP ran his department in an extremely wasteful fashion. For instance, the people who were let go. Their job was to take help desk calls so they could call the real help desk for you. Uhhhhhhhhhh.

Now, our VP is at it again. Our entire division just got through an audit and we are going to get a "C". Not because our group was so bad, but the "evil" group had a lot of problems. Our VP is fed up. He is now going to hold us personally responsible for busting the MIS Manager's balls until their data is complete and correct.

It is time for Evil Me to come out and play. I will enjoy this.

Also, the Senior VP is ready to apply the precious political pressure to other departments to get us the data that we need to create some really killer applications. We are in "Put Up or Shut Up" mode now.

Time to Put Up.

My job just got sooo much better.


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Friday, August 13, 2004

Pete the Hypochondriac

Now, you know this must be important for me to break the pattern of one post per day that I have established. It isn't. But, it is very real on my mind right now.

My wife recently had a rash or something on her cheek that came and went. While she had it, and even now when I think about it, I start to itch. I am the same way if I see a bug land on someone when we are outside. I start to think that I feel assorted insects land on my head, arms, or whatever.

Lest you think I am totally insane, its not like these feelings and urges are super-powerful and ever present, they are not. It is just little tiny nagging feelings that I get. You can see from the graph below that I am not a full blown hypo.

So, I'm not crazy, just whiny. And there's nothing Un-American about THAT!


At 8/15/2004 11:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you say "currently had"?


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More Funny IT Stories

The Source of This Mess

Personal Information
By Gordon Regar

Caller on my helpline: "Hello. My computer is broken. Can you help me please?"
I answer: "Yes, I would be glad to help you. What is your name?"
Caller: "I won't tell you that."
Me: "Can you tell me what branch office you are in?"
Caller: "I am not going to tell you that either."
Me: "What type of equipment are you using?"
Caller: "No, I won't tell you that either."
Me: "Why won't you tell me these things?"
Caller: "I have been told not to give out any company or personal information over the phone."

Expert at Everything
By Jim Blunt

Three years ago, I was responsible for the laptop pool and the diagnosis and/or repair of those laptops. I also administered the RAS server and we had just rolled out our new RSA SecurID authentication system. I put together a 13-page RAS connection guide for Win9x/Me, complete with pictures.

The Monday morning after the system went live, one of our engineers (self-professed expert at everything) walks into my office and tells me he can't RAS in... He's been trying all weekend, and nothing works. He's completely frustrated and adamant that the problem is on our end.

Knowing that his keyfob would be disabled after three tries, I went in and reset it. He goes back to his office and tries again...nothing. I check his keyfob again, I check his network account, I check the DCs, I check the dial-in router...nothing. I can't figure out why he can't RAS in. Finally, in frustration, I tell him to sit down at my laptop and try while I watch what he is doing.

He starts up the RAS client and inputs his 6-digit PIN #. Then, as I'm watching, he starts to input his 6-digit passcode...only he starts using the letter keys! Keep in mind that RSA keyfobs only display numbers. Do you see where this is going? Remember that little game you used to play in grade school, where you would turn your calculator upside down and try and spell words? Well, guess what?

This self-professed "expert at everything," armed with a 13-page instruction manual, can't figure out by himself to turn the keyfob over so that the logo is right-side up!

After I explained the problem, he walked away without saying a word, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Needless to say, we all had a good laugh!


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Thursday, August 12, 2004

Some Funny IT Stories

Over the next few days, I am going to share a few funny stories that are taken from

Finding a Solution Outside the Box
By Harrell Camp

While working for a hospital help desk, I received a work order stating that a user's PC was making a noise that sounded like the hard drive was about to crash. This was not the first time that the user had heard the sound. While she was out to lunch, I checked out the PC. I ran the usual tests—defragmented the hard drive, checked for viruses, and listened intently for the ominous sound of failure that had been reported. She returned from lunch and had no problems for the rest of the day.

The next day, I received another call from the same user who announced that the sound was back. As I entered her office, I could see that she was distraught. I commenced the same routine of tests, while the sound started and then suddenly stopped. It was a low hum, no, more like a buzzing mechanical sound. I sat for about three minutes with her, listening to the intermittent sound.

Finally, I reached down to her purse, where a cell phone was still buzzing, handed it to her, and said, "Please answer your phone."

Employee of the Month
By Dan Clark

While working for a large financial corporation in St. Louis, I received a call from our 2nd-level IT support at 1:30 A.M. on a Thursday. A customer in Chicago had a very important report due at 8:00 the following morning, his computer had locked up, and he could not get it to reboot.

So I drive the 25 miles in to work to help the customer. I get to the office and talk to the help desk and 2nd-level support to find out what troubleshooting steps had already been taken. They tell me they had the customer reboot, press CTRL+ALT+DELETE, and even unplug the computer, but nothing would work.

I call the customer, who is by now in a panic and thinking he will be fired the next day because he waited till the last minute to get his report done and did not finish. I ask him to tell me exactly what is on his screen, and he says it is his report and it is frozen solid. I tell him to hold in the power button on the computer for about five seconds until the screen goes blank. He does this and then I tell him to push the power button again and tell me what is on his screen. He tells me his report is still on the screen in the exact place before he powered down the computer.

You have to remember this has gone thru 1st-level and 2nd-level support and they have been working with the customer for over three hours on the issue. It turns out he had been turning his monitor on and off for three hours. I told him how to reboot the computer and everything started working fine. About a week later the customer sent a letter to my manager telling of my vast expertise in fixing computers. I was named Employee of the Month for this.


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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Quiz Time Again

It is a slow news day here in Looney Land, so it is time for another quiz. This one is Which CSI Character are you?

I am

Greg - the Lab Nerd

You wanna play with CSI so bad, but they keep you stuck in the lab.

Personality Test Results

The quiz is actually pretty easy to aim one way or another, but I tried to answer honestly, and this is how it turned out.

On a side note.... my lunch today was AWESOME!!!!

I went to Giant Eagle grocery store and got something from their hot case in the deli. For $4.65, I got a solid amount of pulled pork, mashed potatoes and gravy, and a fountain drink. Not a bad price. In addition, the food was spectacular. Probably some of the best pulled pork I've ever had.

If you have the means, I highly recommend it.


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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Dukes of Hazzard - Season One on DVD

This might be a little bit embarrassing. As a child, I LOVED the Dukes of Hazzard. I used to play "Dukes" all of the time and watch it whenever I could. My son's name is even Luke. Although not strictly an homage to Luke Duke, he is one of the inspirations that I cite for the name. (Incidentally they are Luke Skywalker, Luke Duke, and Luke from Biblical fame).

So you would think that this

would be a Godsend. I am not so sure. I have since watched the show on TNN or Spike TV or wherever it appears and have not been so impressed. It doesn't hold up well to the passage of time.

I actually asked my parents if the show was crappy back when it originally aired. My Dad agrees that it was, but maintains that the crappiness was part of its appeal. I can see that, as I like to watch crappy shows, too, but that does not solve my dilemma.

Should I pick up the DVDs of a show that was so part of my childhood for nostalgic reasons? Or, should I just leave "The Dukes" to memory only?


At 8/10/2004 10:51 AM, Blogger ghraper said...

One of my favorite shows as a child was The Dukes of Hazard to. I agree that looking back, some of it seems a bit campy. Maybe it's best left to memory and an occasional reuinion show.


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Monday, August 09, 2004

Private School is a Rip Off

Okay. I don't want to sound like too much of a butthole Dad, but DAG, what is this CRAP!?!?!? I pay over $270.00 a month for my oldest daughter to attend a private Christian school and $105.00 a month for my middle daughter. In addition there is a $60.00 book fee, a $50.00 application fee, plus we must buy every stinkin' school supply known to man. Even things that a normal school would provide. AND... to top that all off, we HAVE TO participate in the school's twice a year fundraiser, selling cookie dough. Can you imagine that a child, K - 4 or so, would do most of that selling? No, it would be the parents who have to do all of that work.

It seems like that school should be hemorrhaging cash. Instead, its always about that they don't have the money for this or for that. I realize that you in readerland might be saying, "Well, send your kiddos to public school." My response to that is that you must not understand the state of the public school that they would go to. I *have* to do this.

I understand that this is a sacrifice that I must make, but I just feel like we are being taken advantage of because they (private schools, in general) know that we are almost forced to do this. I attended a public school in this area and am not even sure how I was able to do well.

At every turn, it was all about holding the advanced kids back so that the slower ones could catch up. We redid French 1 in French 2 class, setting us back a whole year because 99% weren't ready. All it did for me was bore me for 9 months. I was in AP Calculus, but we didn't do much since students couldn't understand too much of it, so instead the teacher goofed off with us and I didn't get to learn. I don't want my daughters subjected to that.

I just wanted to rant, so there it is. I feel lighter.


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Sunday, August 08, 2004

Happy Anniversary, G-Man! (and other things)

Today is G-Man's 6th anniversary. Get your rush on over to G-Blog and wish him a Happy Anniversary.

For an added bonus, here is your Top Eleven Geek T.V. Shows:

11. grepmore Girls
10. Two Guys and a Perl Script
9. Arrested Development Cycle
8. Dead Like C
7. Without a tracert
6. That 70s Code
5. Xerox: Warrior Printer
4. 00110000 Hours
3. Tales from the Cryptographer
2. Cold Case: Watercooled
1. L.A.G.

AND your Top Thirteen Yo Momma Insults for Coders (since I are one :-> )

13. Yo momma's so fat, she uses C++++.
12. Yo momma's so stupid, she leaves possible buffer overruns in a "Hello World" application.
11. Yo momma's so crazy, she makes pi look rational.
10. Yo momma is so bloated, in Redmond they just call her "The Template".
9. Yo momma's so annoying, she made Clippy try to turn itself off.
8. Yo momma is so lost, Google can't find her.
7. Yo momma's so cheap she charges for a demo.
6. Yo momma's butt's so wide, she makes SCSI III RAIDs jealous.
5. Yo momma's butt's so wide, she needs a 64-bit bus.
4. Yo momma's so ugly, she makes me pine for old FrontPage code.
3. Yo momma's so dumb, she's a DEC Terminal.
2. Yo momma's so insecure, she makes an unpatched copy of Microsoft IIS look like Fort Knox.
1. Yo momma's so used you can buy her on E-Bay.

Pilfered from BBSpot.


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Saturday, August 07, 2004

Update: Lock and Load

Man, maybe I should be on Microsoft's payroll. I just had the best install of my life with this thing. I can't say enough good things about how easy it was to just move my settings and files to my spare drive, partition and reformat (during the install) and just slam the thing in.

It took less than an hour for the whole ordeal. I got a clean OS install, put my settings and files back, and am now fully updated. I do have Road Runner, but DAG! Could it be any easier?

I am so happy that I'm gonna need to be twins to stand it.



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Time to Tear Down and Build Up

I cannot believe that it has been a year. I'm coming up on my one year anniversary. No, not of marriage, or of sobriety, but of having a stable computer image.

I have Norton Antivirus installed on there. Every time I reinstall my computer's OS, I have to reinstall Norton, so it never gets to its expiration date of one year after being installed.

It expires this Sunday.

How could I have let this happen? Wasn't I a good geek? Could it be that Windows XP Pro just is a good enough Operating System for the above average geek's needs?

I mean, I run Visual Studio .Net, SQL Server, IIS, and all sorts of open source software, and it runs like a champ. It is just like, "Hey, what else ya got, bub?" I mean, I did build this computer from scratch and am pretty proud of it, but this is beyond my expectations.

So, what have I got to do? This weekend I will wipe my System Hard Drive clean and start over. (I have 2 HDDs, one 10 gig for system, one 40 gig for other) I have a lot of backing up to do. I will definitely be reinstalling Windows XP Pro back on my computer because of its excellent robustness and penchant for just hooking it up! I'm not the biggest fan of Windows XP Home, thought that can get it done, but Pro is worth the extra $100.00, believe you me.

This message is paid for by Microsoft Inc.


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Friday, August 06, 2004

Moving Day

Today is moving day for me. No, I am not moving my place of residence, but my desk at work. If I was a tad more insecure, I would start to feel like Milton in Office Space.

I started out with Chase near the tax department. Then, after about seven months, we moved in to the actual "Call Center" portion of our building for two reasons. First, my group "owns" the call center area and wouldn't need to pay rent to the tax department anymore. Secondly, management wanted us closer to them, and to our customers in the call center.

Now, a scant two and a half months later, we are moving again. Apparently, space in the call center is better served being populated by call-taking agents. So, now we are living over against the wall near the Research Department.

In reality, this appears to be just about the best place we've "lived" so far. My co-worker, Chad, and I have a large c-shaped desk. We have positioned our computers at opposite ends and have a lot of room in the middle to co-develop the projects that we are working on. Or, as we like to call it, Extreme Programming.

I will ultimately keep you, my avid readership, apprised of the situation. Until then, wish me luck.


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Thursday, August 05, 2004

Why Bush will win the states of Florida, Ohio, Oklahoma, and Texas

Click this image to see it full sized.


At 8/07/2004 6:14 PM, Blogger Virgoan said...

Heya! I am wondering what catching a football has to do with leadership skills?

At 8/08/2004 7:12 AM, Blogger Guru said...

I'm wondering where your sense of humor is?

It's a JOKE, man. Calm down.

At 10/04/2004 11:13 PM, Blogger Trinity13 said...

Have you seen the newest Kerry pic on It is a very funny picture of him hiking a football. Check it out!


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Wednesday, August 04, 2004

The Bourne Supremacy

On Sunday, my summer movie viewing dreams were fulfilled. I saw the Bourne Supremacy. I was a huge fan of the Bourne Identity, having only picked it up on a whim from the video store. As a note with this review, I have read none of the books, so I am coming at this from a totally fresh perspective.

First of all, I like how the movie starts. We are reminded that our hero can’t wholly remember his life up until this point and then we are thrust immediately in to danger. I won’t spoil the movie, but an interesting character twist occurs right away that, in my opinion, really speeds the movie along.

The most controversial aspect of the movie is the camerawork. Matt Damon himself said that some of the car chase angles hadn’t been done before. They are filmed as if you were in the passenger seat and getting jostled around with Jason. The fight scenes were shot much the same way… very jerky and confusing. I liked it in this context, I thought that it added tension to the scenes, but I would HATE for it to become a Matrix-y trend and appear in the majority of action films for the next five years.

I feel the story line stands well on its own, but doesn’t depart from the whole. We learn a bit more about Jason Bourne and how he got to where he is. We also get a little more backstory to explain the motives of some of the characters in the first movie.

All in all, I recommend this movie, and give it 3.5 out of 4 stars. I am eagerly anticipating the third installment, and even have an idea for the movie. (Short Version: The government needs to re-activate him to do a dangerous mission. He still doesn’t trust them, but does his own investigation in the situation and handles it anyway.)

Gotta go, Hollywood is on the line right now.

The Official Website


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Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Family Guy

I am slow on the uptake on this one. I only recently got turned on to the Family Guy, about 2 years after it was cancelled! The good news is that the show was so beloved and the outrage over its cancellation so great that they are bringing it back in the 2004-2005 season. For now, I am just checking it out Sunday - Thursday (WTF?) on the Cartoon Network.

A quick sidenote: It is my opinion that the show is airing S - Th so that people can talk about it M - F at work, having just seen an episode the night before each workday.

My favorite character is Stewie. He is irreverant and all that, but he just cracks me up. For those of you who don't know, I'll leave you with some classic Stewie-isms.

Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Stewie: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

Stewie: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...

Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issac", and Abraham said, I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

Lois: What's going on?
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.

Lois: Here Stewie, I made your favorite pancakes.
Stewie: Thank you Lois, when I rule the world, your death shall come quick and painless.

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.

Stewie Griffin: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

and finally....

[trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie Griffin: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Rea... Really?


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Monday, August 02, 2004

Funny E-Mail That I Received

Just for all of you busters out there in blogland who haven't seen this, here you go...

Click on it to see it full sized. (Make sure to maximize your browser window)

I just love poop humor.


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Sunday, August 01, 2004

My Stillers

As I have stated in a previous post, if I had to pick between only watching either the pro or college game, I would choose college. But... I don't have to choose, so it is almost time for the Steelers to appear on my radar. It is only 13 days until their first preseason game and 42 days until kickoff of the regular season.

Here is my favorite offensive player, Hines Ward, streaking away from a 'Nati Defender:

And here is my favorite defensive player, Joey Porter, destroying an opposing quarterback:

I grew up in a suburb of Pittsburgh and though I have moved to 3 other states, I never stopped loving my Stillers. I didn't even follow football until I moved here to Ohio, but I always rocked Steelers gear wherever I was.

Now that I live in Ohio and like football, I can barely watch any of their games. This year, I can only watch them on Sunday Night Football on ESPN (once) and they also have a Saturday game this year. I can also see them when they play either the Bengals or the Browns, as those teams are who gets shown here in Columbus. I do like to listen to their games on radio, on occasion, when I get the chance. I could get the NFL Sunday Ticket, but who has that kind of cash?

I guess I could also go to Damons or somewhere every Sunday, but that would make me a butthole, because Sunday is Church, then lunch, then time at home. How would I look if I just took off for about 4 hours in the middle of the day to watch football? Not very good, I tell you.

So, I will just follow the Steelers from ESPN The Magazine, the newspaper, SportsCenter, and Sports Talk Radio, and get over it. Because, as all good fans know.... This is OUR YEAR to win the Superbowl.


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Name: Pete
Home: Columbus, Ohio, United States
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